The Body-Image Bully

This is one of those post, and the most difficult for me to hit the "publish" button on to date...I'm filled with a lot of emotions, but mostly fear.

I'm being raw, vulnerable, and honest about the inner demon that poisons my mind and chatters negatives into my psyche. (Not to mention, 'as revealing as a swimsuit' photos for the whole internet to see)

Did you know (populated from various body-image studies):

-approximately 91% of women and 34% of men are unhappy with their bodies (I knew it would be high, but this saddened my heart so much... thats an insanely high percentage, don't you agree?)

-only 5% of women in today's society have what we stigmatize as the "perfect" body type

-40% of women and 20% of men would agree to plastic surgery to alter their body

-95% of individuals with eating disorders are between the ages of 12 to 25

-We understand the idea of "self" at 2 years old and start comparing ourselves to others around the age of 4 years old

-Google searches for things such as "thinspiration" has 2 million hits, "pro-ana" (pro anorexia) has 19 million hits, and 96% of teens who suffer from an eating disorder have visited "tips on how to loose weight" sites.

I call it the "body-image bully"... and it does not play favorites or live within a specific race, gender, or size. I'll even be so bold in saying that in some form or fashion, I think this bully lives inside of us all and can manifest itself differently.

Let me start by catching you up: why this post & what for, and why now & moving on-

The W H Y T H I S and W H A T F O R

The lady in the middle is Mary Hyatt.

Mary is a woman on a mission and much, much more.

She and I connect through doTERRA, and a while back she posted about a new beta group she was interested in starting- a course for women who are ready to learn empowering techniques to: "make peace with the mirror, quiet the inner bully, and love your body." She was feeling really lead to counseling based work and knew the realm she wanted to step into, and needed feedback to pinpoint her calling.

Something, which I still can't put my finger on today, told me "do it." (Probably our God; he always knows our best, even when we don't)

There was an immediate flood of excuses I tried convincing myself of, including:

-admitting I actually "fit the bill" to belong to such a group...that I had true, legitimate hatred towards my outer self and that by exposing that I was going to feel more attacked so it's better to stay hidden...

-I have a million and one things to be grateful for...by doing this, does it takes a negative tone? I don't want to sound ungrateful or whiny about the blessed life I'm living...

-she mentioned "swimsuit-like" pictures...yikes. What will my (at the time) fiance think, my mom and dad...my in-laws and extended family...how do I feel with my Christian faith when this could easily be frowned upon as "too revealing"...?

That something more powerful than myself took over and saw right through my excuses and a few weeks later I found myself on a call with several other women who had been selected to join Mary's group.

Through the course, I met some incredible women all over the country- yoga instructors to medical practitioners, single ladies to married with children.

The string that tied us all together?...an incredibly deep desire to love the skin we're in, and not a clue where to start.

We were SO over the mental torment.

The nonsense.

The negativity.

The comparisons.

The self-loathing.

The mind chatter.

The diets.

The starvation.

The indulgences.

The shame.

The scale.

The pitty.

The cover-ups.

The editing.

Mary so brilliantly makes you think about how in control you actually are. Sure, society has a huge part in defining parameters for how a woman should look, but I love her approach that it's only going to play a part if you let it.

Here's what she taught me, and a glimpse into what you'll find in her course:

-She encourages soul-seeking to your innermost being to identify where your insecurities stem from, face it head on, then release it.

-She teaches you what to say to others if they begin to trigger you and your emotions towards body-image, specifically food and weight.

-She encourages you to stand in a mirror and see your flaws as gifts that tell your story.

-She instills a 'no-nonsense-zero-tolerance' policy within you to be done accepting less than your value (which is unmeasurable).

-She cries with you, empathizing as she feels so big for others and has her own story to tell.

-Eating to fuel your body and not reward it, working out to move your body and not for weight loss or gain, and to appropriately manage indulgences for your sanity.

It goes without saying I'm forever grateful for Mary and the example she sets, and the mental freedom she sets out to provide to others.

THE PHOTOSHOOT:

Before officially launching the course, Mary wanted to do a photoshoot to supplement her material- a visual of her mission, if you will.

Keep in mind, none of us really knew each other in these photos... but we were ready to capture the power that comes from pure acceptance of one another, without limits. I think it's obvious how quickly something like that can bond a group of strangers if you look at the photos below.

The saying "a picture is worth a thousand words" has never rang more true to me.

Here's a peek at the magic that happened that day:

You see those smiles? We felt exhilarated.

Those stomach and back rolls? We didn't care.

The varying body types? We embraced it.

That rainbow of skin tones? Insanely beautiful.

The photos? for a Dove commercial (kidding... but I did get asked if that's what these pics were for one time).

I think any of us in the photos would agree that it was the most 'at peace' any of us had ever felt with our bodies, and to even feel that for a couple of hours was a gift.

Fast forward a couple of months to the day we (especially Mary) had all been waiting for, the debut of her course: Babe, Redefined. Amply named for the pretty unanimous vote in our beta group that we were so turned off by the word babe and it's classic interpretation of a perfectly proportioned bombshell.

HONESTY:

In complete transparency- though I have worked through the course, and posed for the photos, I still have bad days. There are more days than not that the body-image bully knocks on my door, and shadows me all day.

Let's talk more about this:

The W H Y N O W and M O V I N G O N

So why now?

Because it's hot, were the season of shorts and tank tops that won't hide cellulite and big arms and I've been going to a pool with the kids I nanny 3x/week.

And, nothing reminds us of our body insecurities like a swimsuit will, am I right?

Year after year, I anxiously wait for Spring and Summer.

They are hands down, and by a LONG shot my favorite seasons. I care nothing for the cold, and despise the dreary chill Fall and Winter bring.

It's interesting when I think about it... I love the heat, but hate the attire. As much as I don't like bundling up, it's way easier to hide extra pounds underneath a big sweatshirt or my go-to leggings.

After completing Mary's course, I was empowered. I felt great and accepting of my flaws. However, lately I seem to have visits from the body-image bully more often, and I think I the season to thank.

My days can consist of guilt for snacking on chocolate Bark Thins or Gluten Free cookies, beating myself up for not finding an hour out of my day to do some sort of workout, settling for Chick-fil-A grilled nuggets or Chipotle bowl over cooking dinner, and counting 2-3 cups of coffee as a sufficient breakfast.

-I'm ashamed to admit the thoughts that have been populating through my head recently, and how strong my "compare game" has gotten. Thank you, social media...and the insane role I allow you to play in this cycle.

-I'm sick to my stomach that I look at some wedding photos and think I could have worked out more and eaten less while we were engaged.

-I'm annoyed that I don't allow my husband to post anything of me on social media before I get to "proof" it first.

-I'm embarrassed that I'm not into a routine that keeps me accountable daily.

*Sigh*

I feel like I'm mentally bouncing between "get a hold of yourself" and "be brave and be you."

Im also tired of the excuses I'm making: "it's stress", "I don't have time", "I need relaxing days", "I've already done enough for one day"...

For me, what makes this whole thing impossible is that I believe it both ways-

I believe in cookies every now and then, I believe you need days of rest, and yes- I 100% believe we as a society tend to over do it on day-to-day tasks sometimes.

-but-

I also believe in eating greens and vegetables because that's how our bodies operate

best, I believe in moving my body to keep my mind and muscles strong, and I believe

that everyone has the same 24 hours in a day to make it count.

Another battle: For every "body-love" statement, someone somewhere has to be the assh**e that claims its about being healthy and not skinny.

For that, I encourage you to think that body-image insecurities come in many forms, not just "weight loss": eating disorders that desire to put on weight, muscle tone for men to have big arms and chiseled abs, skin blemishes and skin diseases, having a prosthetic limb, or anything else you can think of that might make someone feel like less and the mirror an enemy.

So, the moving on part:

I'm not sure why I felt compelled to write such a post.

-Maybe to convince myself that there's others who feel the same, and by sharing something so private to the public you can feel like you're not alone and we can walk this walk together.

-Maybe I need the accountability.

-Maybe I need the reminder of the things Mary taught me, and to accept that I will never have it all together, and that's perfectly ok. It's ok for us ALL.

-I would think, maybe somewhere deep inside of me, I'm tired of the political, "fake news," "highlight reel" society were living in, and I'm starving for something so real as the vulnerable truth.

-Maybe I'm ready for us all to come together to lift each other up in prayer and encouragement instead of dragging each other down with comparisons and "one-upping" one another.

Whatever the reason, I'm going to close with affirmations that I plan on repeating to myself whenever the body-image bully creeps in, and (you should have seen this coming) the essential oils from doTERRA's emotional line I plan on using to supplement such affirmations.

"I will not be ashamed"...with Console

"I am fearfully and wonderfully made"...with Peace

"I am in control of myself, and I will not wallow in pitty"...with Passion

"I will choose to move, for my mind and body"...with Motivate

"I will let go what I cannot immediately control"...with Forgive

"I will prepare and practice for futuristic goals"...with Cheer

I sure do hope you find light, positivity, guidance, and honesty in these paragraphs and pictures. It's hard for me to get so uncomfortable and be so open, so thank you for spending time reading through this today.

This post isn't going anywhere, so if it meant something to you, feel free to come back to it. I probably will, as I need all the help and reminders I can get...even if it's myself speaking to myself.

Naturally,

Nicki